I have posted on a few writer's forums, and I think I am pretty close to what I want. This is a query letter, and for those who don't know, it is a letter to agents to try and get representation for my book. This is supposed to be an attention getter- similar but not exactly what you would find on the back of a book.
So- tell me what you think- does it get your attention? Do you feel like something is missing? Do you like it? Do you feel like there is enough detail? Too much? Is there "voice"? Would you read it? I really need input here, don't be afraid to hurt my feelings, but if you like it, I need to know that too. I usually get a lot of responses, but my last post didn't, so I don't know if people are just tired of me, or that it's good and they don't have anything to add or correct.
So-- here we go:
Version 1:
When seventeen-year-old Meredith’s father dies, it feels like a part of her is buried with him. Forever. Then she meets Kaden. They spend hours together, talking, laughing, holding hands or a gentle kiss. He makes sure she eats, gets enough sleep and smiles at least once a day. Meredith trusts him enough to begin to share memories of her dad with him.
Sometimes, though, he is not the same Kaden. He snaps because she’s late. He's pushed and shaken her. He's even struck her. She wants to hold onto him, and doesn’t want to fall back into the darkness that gripped her after her Dad died. She tries to tell herself that the abuse is worth the hope he brings, fearing that if she leaves Kaden, everything will fall apart again.
FRACTURED is a 58,000-word contemporary YA novel. It will appeal to readers of Cupala’s Tell me a Secret and Dessen’s Dreamland.
A few changes based on feedback: (if you like one or the other or certain parts let me know)version 2
When seventeen-year-old Meredith’s father dies, it feels like a part of her is buried with him. Forever. Then she meets Kaden, who makes her laugh, who she shares her first kiss with, and trusts enough to begin to share memories of her dad. She's grown used to being the care-taker, having to fill empty roles in the family while her father was so sick, but Kaden takes care of her, making sure she eats and sleeps enough.
Sometimes, though, a different side to Kaden shows itself. He snaps because she’s late, he’s shaken her, pushed her down; even gone as far as striking her. She wants to hold onto him, not wanting to fall back into the darkness that gripped her after her Dad died. She tries to tell herself that the pain is worth the hope he brings, fearing that if she leaves Kaden everything will fall apart again. When she realizes she is pregnant, she fears for the baby’s safety. Escape means leaving much behind, but Meredith must focus on what will bring her true happiness. She must learn to stand on her own and discover what is at the heart of who she is.
FRACTURED is a 58,000-word contemporary YA novel. It will appeal to readers of Cupala’s Tell me a Secret and Dessen’s Dreamland.
Updated again: version 3
When seventeen-year-old Meredith’s father dies, she feels like a part of her is buried with him. Forever. Then she meets Kaden. Darkly handsome with piercing blue eyes and messy black hair, he captivates her; he’s her first love, a door to happiness. They spend long hours together, Meredith learning to trust again, Kaden giving her reason to smile. Someone is taking care of her for a change.
But there is another side to Kaden. A part of him she’s afraid of. He snaps at her because she is late, she tastes blood when he backhands her. She knows the narrowing of his eyes means trouble.
Fearing she’ll fall back into the darkness of depression that gripped her after her Dad lost his fight to cancer, Meredith wants to hold on to the good parts of Kaden, the hope he brings. When she realizes she is pregnant, she fears for her baby’s safety while at the same time dreaming of a happy family with the loving Kaden.
Meredith must make decisions for two now, without her father’s sage advice. Leave behind the only hope and happiness she has felt in over a year to face a frightening unknown...or stay and risk injury to her baby? She must learn to stand on her own and discover what is at the heart of who she is.
FRACTURED is a 58,000-word contemporary YA novel. It will appeal to readers of Cupala’s Tell me a Secret and Dessen’s Dreamland.
So- tell me what you think- does it get your attention? Do you feel like something is missing? Do you like it? Do you feel like there is enough detail? Too much? Is there "voice"? Would you read it? I really need input here, don't be afraid to hurt my feelings, but if you like it, I need to know that too. I usually get a lot of responses, but my last post didn't, so I don't know if people are just tired of me, or that it's good and they don't have anything to add or correct.
So-- here we go:
Version 1:
When seventeen-year-old Meredith’s father dies, it feels like a part of her is buried with him. Forever. Then she meets Kaden. They spend hours together, talking, laughing, holding hands or a gentle kiss. He makes sure she eats, gets enough sleep and smiles at least once a day. Meredith trusts him enough to begin to share memories of her dad with him.
Sometimes, though, he is not the same Kaden. He snaps because she’s late. He's pushed and shaken her. He's even struck her. She wants to hold onto him, and doesn’t want to fall back into the darkness that gripped her after her Dad died. She tries to tell herself that the abuse is worth the hope he brings, fearing that if she leaves Kaden, everything will fall apart again.
FRACTURED is a 58,000-word contemporary YA novel. It will appeal to readers of Cupala’s Tell me a Secret and Dessen’s Dreamland.
A few changes based on feedback: (if you like one or the other or certain parts let me know)version 2
When seventeen-year-old Meredith’s father dies, it feels like a part of her is buried with him. Forever. Then she meets Kaden, who makes her laugh, who she shares her first kiss with, and trusts enough to begin to share memories of her dad. She's grown used to being the care-taker, having to fill empty roles in the family while her father was so sick, but Kaden takes care of her, making sure she eats and sleeps enough.
Sometimes, though, a different side to Kaden shows itself. He snaps because she’s late, he’s shaken her, pushed her down; even gone as far as striking her. She wants to hold onto him, not wanting to fall back into the darkness that gripped her after her Dad died. She tries to tell herself that the pain is worth the hope he brings, fearing that if she leaves Kaden everything will fall apart again. When she realizes she is pregnant, she fears for the baby’s safety. Escape means leaving much behind, but Meredith must focus on what will bring her true happiness. She must learn to stand on her own and discover what is at the heart of who she is.
FRACTURED is a 58,000-word contemporary YA novel. It will appeal to readers of Cupala’s Tell me a Secret and Dessen’s Dreamland.
Updated again: version 3
When seventeen-year-old Meredith’s father dies, she feels like a part of her is buried with him. Forever. Then she meets Kaden. Darkly handsome with piercing blue eyes and messy black hair, he captivates her; he’s her first love, a door to happiness. They spend long hours together, Meredith learning to trust again, Kaden giving her reason to smile. Someone is taking care of her for a change.
But there is another side to Kaden. A part of him she’s afraid of. He snaps at her because she is late, she tastes blood when he backhands her. She knows the narrowing of his eyes means trouble.
Fearing she’ll fall back into the darkness of depression that gripped her after her Dad lost his fight to cancer, Meredith wants to hold on to the good parts of Kaden, the hope he brings. When she realizes she is pregnant, she fears for her baby’s safety while at the same time dreaming of a happy family with the loving Kaden.
Meredith must make decisions for two now, without her father’s sage advice. Leave behind the only hope and happiness she has felt in over a year to face a frightening unknown...or stay and risk injury to her baby? She must learn to stand on her own and discover what is at the heart of who she is.
FRACTURED is a 58,000-word contemporary YA novel. It will appeal to readers of Cupala’s Tell me a Secret and Dessen’s Dreamland.
This novel sounds really gripping. At first I thought the first paragraph was the only blurb, then I scrolled down and realized it wasn't. (duh!) I honestly thought it was a great query, although I'm not familiar with them exactly.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations and good luck!
Tasha
This is MUCH better, Brandi! Very concise and to the point while still capturing attention. Well done! :)
ReplyDeleteI know the struggle you're going through, Brandi. I just spent the last two weeks writing the query and synopsis for my book to begin the querying process. Neither were easy, and my book is 82,000 words, so I thought I'd be able to handle writing a letter and a synopsis. How wrong I was! :)
ReplyDeleteI don't read YA, but I think on the basis of what I've seen, your letter is shaping up nicely.
Have a great one, and the very best of luck with your querying!
Selena
The Enchanted Book
You definitely got my attention. I really want to read it after reading your short post. Sounds like an awesome story. ALl the luck in th world to you. I will repost your Facebook post & hopefully you will get some more feedback. Good luck & I wish you all the luck in the world getting your story published!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued by your synopsis here...I'm wondering though, how does your book stand out from the other YA books that have a similar theme? Maybe add a little something about how it stands out, just as a bigger eye-catcher.
ReplyDeleteWhen you're published, I'll definitely read it!
^.^ sent you an email
ReplyDeleteI would read it Brandi, not sure how much I would enjoy some parts of the abusive relationship as that is not something try to seek out to read on a regular basis... The blurb though captures so well what many young women have happen to them and if the rest of the written book is like the short look inside it you have a nice story to tell!
ReplyDeleteGood luck and good thoughts for your successful career kicking off!
jackie >_<
Hi Brandi!
ReplyDeleteYour story sounds really interesting, but it's a little vague on plot. This sounds more like the blurb on the back cover of a book than the basic plot in a query letter. I think it's okay to reveal important details about the story, even if it spoils it.
What makes your story unique? How is your character, Meredith, different from other contemporary YA heroines? From this synopsis, FRACTURED sounds like your typical "young girl in an abusive relationship" story. What makes yours different?
I like that you mentioned novels with a similar appeal (might want to refer to those authors by their full names :)) because it gives us a good sense of where your book falls in the YA category.
But specific details are good, and something that really grabs our attention. For example, the synopsis of Holly Cupala's TELL ME A SECRET mentions a "bad-girl" sister, a mysterious death, secrets, dreams of art school, and an unplanned pregnancy. Lots of details--the core of the story--that immediately grab our attention! Instead of spoiling the story, they make us WANT to read more.
Is there more to Kaden and Meredith's relationship than may at first appear on the surface? How did Meredith's father die? How did she meet Kaden? Does something set him off? Does she have friends, siblings? Is there more to her than simply a dead father and an abusive boyfriend? I would suggest adding more complexity, more layers to your story.
Here are some helpful links to writing query letters:
http://www.dianapeterfreund.com/query-letter/
(Diana Peterfreund gives a great paragraph-by-paragraph breakdown of the query letter that landed her an agent.)
There are also lots of great resources on Nathan Bransford's blog. :)
http://blog.nathanbransford.com/search/label/Anatomy%20of%20a%20Good%20Query%20Letter
http://blog.nathanbransford.com/2010/08/how-to-write-query-letter.html
Good luck with your querying! :)
Thank you everyone for your feedback!
ReplyDeletewow. Seems intense. Lots of story to tell. something feels slightly off about it, I guess the question is "why this book?" What makes it a better choice than others in its genre or same type of story? maybe some type of "cliff hanger?" I have never been in your position so I might be totally off. I think its great at capturing interest and attention. I look forward to seeing it published!
ReplyDeleteHi Brandi. This story sounds great. I have some small feedback about the tenses.
ReplyDelete"He snaps because she’s late. He's pushed and shaken her. He's even struck her. "
You use he, then he's, which are different tenses. All three should match up. For example, you could change the first statement to "he's snapped" to match the other two "he's" statements. Or you could change the last two statements to "he pushes and shakes her. He even strikes her" in order to match with the first statement.
I like the first sentence. It drew me in. But it shifts so suddenly from him being nice to being an abuser. There almost needs to be some kind of leeway sentence there. Like Germaine Dulac mentioned it's okay to reveal important information. Yes, it does sound more like a blurb then a query. I think you're there. You just need some tweaking. Check out Guide to Literary Agents. They post a lot of great queries. Here's one for Shadow Hills by Anastasia Hopcus.
ReplyDeleteI like your update a LOT! I would totally pick this up from the synopsis.
ReplyDeleteHere's a website you can post too and get the query critiqued by a professional.
ReplyDeletehttp://evileditor.blogspot.com/p/frequently-asked-questions.html
http://queryshark.blogspot.com/2007/07/instructions-for-submitting-work-to.html
As it stands, I think it's a good story, but I think the major dramatic question is will she stay or will she leave? And was Kaden always violent from the beginning? If not, what set him off.
I agree, you need to differentiate this one from other books which are written with a similar premise. I would leave out the "He makes sure she eats, gets enough sleep and smiles at least once a day. Meredith trusts him enough to begin to share memories of her dad with him." Also, where you start talking about the abuse, it seems so tame. Can you spice it up a bit. Maybe don't just come out and say he abuses her, ellude to it with hints or something...?
ReplyDeleteHey! You just won the Stylish blogger and Versatile blogger awards. Congratulations. You can check out the post here:
ReplyDeletehttp://gemsandi.blogspot.com/2011/01/stylish-blogger-award-and-versatile.html
These were all really good! The changes I was going to suggest to the first draft were all recognized in the final. Good luck!!!!
ReplyDelete