Reader reactions please! (Updated again 3.0)

I have posted on a few writer's forums, and I think I am pretty close to what I want. This is a query letter, and for those who don't know, it is a letter to agents to try and get representation for my book. This is supposed to be an attention getter- similar but not exactly what you would find on the back of a book.


So- tell me what you think- does it get your attention? Do you feel like something is missing? Do you like it? Do you feel like there is enough detail? Too much? Is there "voice"? Would you read it? I really need input here, don't be afraid to hurt my feelings, but if you like it, I need to know that too. I usually get a lot of responses, but my last post didn't, so I don't know if people are just tired of me, or that it's good and they don't have anything to add or correct.


So-- here we go:
Version 1: 
When seventeen-year-old Meredith’s father dies, it feels like a part of her is buried with him. Forever. Then she meets Kaden. They spend hours together, talking, laughing, holding hands or a gentle kiss. He makes sure she eats, gets enough sleep and smiles at least once a day. Meredith trusts him enough to begin to share memories of her dad with him.

Sometimes, though, he is not the same Kaden. He snaps because she’s late. He's pushed and shaken her. He's even struck her. She wants to hold onto him, and doesn’t want to fall back into the darkness that gripped her after her Dad died. She tries to tell herself that the abuse is worth the hope he brings, fearing that if she leaves Kaden, everything will fall apart again. 

FRACTURED is a 58,000-word contemporary YA novel. It will appeal to readers of Cupala’s Tell me a Secret and Dessen’s Dreamland.


A few changes based on feedback: (if you like one or the other or certain parts let me know)version 2



When seventeen-year-old Meredith’s father dies, it feels like a part of her is buried with him. Forever. Then she meets Kaden, who makes her laugh, who she shares her first kiss with, and trusts enough to begin to share memories of her dad. She's grown used to being the care-taker, having to fill empty roles in the family while her father was so sick, but Kaden takes care of her, making sure she eats and sleeps enough.


Sometimes, though, a different side to Kaden shows itself. He snaps because she’s late, he’s shaken her, pushed her down; even gone as far as striking her. She wants to hold onto him, not wanting to fall back into the darkness that gripped her after her Dad died. She tries to tell herself that the pain is worth the hope he brings, fearing that if she leaves Kaden everything will fall apart again. When she realizes she is pregnant, she fears for the baby’s safety. Escape means leaving much behind, but Meredith must focus on what will bring her true happiness. She must learn to stand on her own and discover what is at the heart of who she is. 


FRACTURED is a 58,000-word contemporary YA novel. It will appeal to readers of Cupala’s Tell me a Secret and Dessen’s Dreamland.


Updated again: version 3

When seventeen-year-old Meredith’s father dies, she feels like a part of her is buried with him. Forever. Then she meets Kaden. Darkly handsome with piercing blue eyes and messy black hair, he captivates her; he’s her first love, a door to happiness. They spend long hours together, Meredith learning to trust again, Kaden giving her reason to smile. Someone is taking care of her for a change.


But there is another side to Kaden. A part of him she’s afraid of. He snaps at her because she is late, she tastes blood when he backhands her. She knows the narrowing of his eyes means trouble.


Fearing she’ll fall back into the darkness of depression that gripped her after her Dad lost his fight to cancer, Meredith wants to hold on to the good parts of Kaden, the hope he brings. When she realizes she is pregnant, she fears for her baby’s safety while at the same time dreaming of a happy family with the loving Kaden.


Meredith must make decisions for two now, without her father’s sage advice. Leave behind the only hope and happiness she has felt in over a year to face a frightening unknown...or stay and risk injury to her baby? She must learn to stand on her own and discover what is at the heart of who she is.


FRACTURED is a 58,000-word contemporary YA novel. It will appeal to readers of Cupala’s Tell me a Secret and Dessen’s Dreamland.