9th has my vote, though I have some feedback on most of them for you. 1) It needs a drop more suspense. "...until she receives bad news: she's pregnant" (just an example) 2)I didn't like the phrase "either way" 3)Maybe end it as a question. Like: "But then Meredith realizes: what if she fell for the wrong boy?" 4)A slightly bigger edit. "But the only boy who makes her feel whole again is the one who uses his fists to do it" or something like that 5)Add in the down side to the end. "forget her problems, while his fists are things she can't forget" 6)Make it a bit more dramatic? It seems kinda bland 7)I think it needs some subtle word edits: "the angry dark stranger" "polite and kind guy" (something softer) "she fears" 8)It doesn't have enough information to make it stand out among any other novel. 9)I think this one also needs some rephrasing, and a greater ultimatum, by bringing in some more detail. 10)It's really good, except I think the last line needs some rephrasing. 11)You need to show us the negative side. 12)Same as 11, needs the negative side to this perfect boy.
Of course, you're totally welcome to ignore the advice of the rambling teenager. :) These are just some of my thoughts. Good luck!
I'm Kate Evangelista, author of Taste, and I just wanted to take this time to introduce myself. If you have the time, please stop by The Coffee Bar by using the link below:
I would love to hear from you! (I always try to visit your blog back) I love links, so feel free to link to your blog or a post you like. Sorry, but I am award and tag free zone, I do not have the time to return. Comments are reward enough :)
I liked number ten the best! I can't really put my finger on why, but it definitely stood out to me. Good luck with everything, Brandi :)
ReplyDelete9th has my vote, though I have some feedback on most of them for you.
ReplyDelete1) It needs a drop more suspense. "...until she receives bad news: she's pregnant" (just an example)
2)I didn't like the phrase "either way"
3)Maybe end it as a question. Like: "But then Meredith realizes: what if she fell for the wrong boy?"
4)A slightly bigger edit. "But the only boy who makes her feel whole again is the one who uses his fists to do it" or something like that
5)Add in the down side to the end. "forget her problems, while his fists are things she can't forget"
6)Make it a bit more dramatic? It seems kinda bland
7)I think it needs some subtle word edits: "the angry dark stranger" "polite and kind guy" (something softer) "she fears"
8)It doesn't have enough information to make it stand out among any other novel.
9)I think this one also needs some rephrasing, and a greater ultimatum, by bringing in some more detail.
10)It's really good, except I think the last line needs some rephrasing.
11)You need to show us the negative side.
12)Same as 11, needs the negative side to this perfect boy.
Of course, you're totally welcome to ignore the advice of the rambling teenager. :) These are just some of my thoughts.
Good luck!
Hi Brandi,
ReplyDeleteI'm Kate Evangelista, author of Taste, and I just wanted to take this time to introduce myself. If you have the time, please stop by The Coffee Bar by using the link below:
http://kateevangelistanovels.blogspot.com/
I hope to see you there.
Sincerely,
Kate